Sensing so many souls doing it hard in local hospital wards in New Orleans, Louisiana, Richard M. Stallman and his faithful companion, the Linux Wiz Kid AKA Timmy Hughes, launched a “heroic raid” on the hospital, say reports.

Victims of non-free software tyranny were reportedly given a reprieve by the vigilante pair as they were systematically disconnected from the various machines and appliances throughout the hospital. “It had to happen, we couldn’t just stand idly by as innocent people are subjected to the evils and injustices of non-free software,” said Mr. Stallman, in between batting away security personal with his Thinkpad X60. “The only thing worse than living with proprietary software is being kept alive by it. I ask you, is it really worth living in such a jail?”

While many staying at the hospital had no idea what was going on, there were some supporters of Mr. Stallman and the Linux Wiz Kid, such as ICU patient, Roger Lewis. “I’m just relieved, that no matter what happens, I’m no longer connected to a bunch of programs that I can’t even inspect the source code of,” he told reporters, moments before flat-lining.

“Me and Mr. Richard S hope to get around to even more hospitals!” said Timmy Hughes, the Linux Wiz Kid, who he himself had only recently been liberated by Mr. Stallman.¹ “No more will people have to be confined to their iJails, as I was. I’ve truly seen the light. Plus lugging this old Thinkpad around that RMS gave me is really building up my muscles.”

Mr. Hughes also says that while he can’t be sure that all the software in health departments are non-free, it is “better to be safe than sorry” and that the actions are justified. “RMS says that in an age of iThings and smart-things, we can never be too sure,” he said. “Why, I even saw some of the offices running Windows XP back there in podiatry. I’d rather be dead than be in the same building as that. Old, out-dated operating systems mixed with newfangled mass internet connected, smart-things. This is truly hell on Earth.”

At press time, reports are coming in that Mr. Stallman and Mr. Hughes were last seen speeding away in Mr. Stallman’s 1970s Toyota Cressida, towing behind them one of the ATM machines they pulled from the wall of the building, presumably intending to liberate it from its non-free software.